


Remember, Remember

by torakowalski



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-05
Updated: 2004-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-22 01:05:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torakowalski/pseuds/torakowalski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray took a deep breath, so deep that I could see his stomach arch inwards beneath his shrunken t-shirt.  “Are you free tonight?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember, Remember

“Frase, youfreetonight?”   
   
I looked up quickly, he’d said that so fast that I was afraid I’d miss heard.  “Pardon?”  
   
Ray took a deep breath, so deep that I could see his stomach arch inwards beneath his shrunken t-shirt.  “Are you free tonight?”  
   
“Yes.”  Yes, yes, yes, of course I was free, I had been free every night for the past two weeks, deliberately avoiding any of Inspector Thatcher’s late-night duties in the hope that Ray would suggest an activity.  I wasn’t fussy about what we might do, just so long as I got to spend extra minutes in his company I was content.  Yet, in all that time, fourteen long evenings, Ray had not once suggested that we, as he would put it, hang out after work.   
   
At first, I wasn’t worried.  Ray’s dramatic entrance on a motorbike through the window of a warehouse to rescue Quinn and me had left him with severe bruising to his thigh and hip, necessitating a week off work.  Of course, being Ray, he came back to the squad room after only two days and Lieutenant Welsh let him stay as long as he confined himself to deskwork.  Ray’s inability to go into the field gave me less of an excuse to liase with him, and, in addition, Inspector Thatcher required my presence at the Consulate more often that usual due to the amount of paperwork generated by the kidnap of one of her subordinates and a Canadian citizen.  As I was said subordinate she seemed to find it fitting that I should be the one filling out most of the forms.  
   
So it didn’t worry me unduly when the end of the week came round and I had only seen Ray a handful of times.  No, the worry only started to grow over that weekend when Ray made no attempt to contact me, and again and again during the following week when Ray’s shift would end, and he’d only offer to drop me off at the Consulate, never follow me in.   
   
Of course, I told myself sharply, I was being selfish.  Ray had only just been reunited with his parents, it was natural that all his free time would be devoted to them at the moment.  However, I couldn’t hold back another worry, a darker one.  Before Quinn’s visit, before Ray’s parents’ return, he and I had been working our way towards a relationship.  Or rather, a changed relationship.  We had been taking things slowly, both of us wary of going too deep too quickly, both of us afflicted with severe scars from previous relationships.  But there had been something there.   
   
Watching a movie or a hockey game in Ray’s apartment, when we would previously have sat at our respective ends, perhaps occasionally brushing hands or arms in search of a tortilla chip or glass of liquid, we now sat together, Ray’s head on my shoulder, my hand clasped by one or between both of his.   
   
We reached the stage of kissing the day before Quinn’s arrival.  That evening, with Ray’s head tucked into the crook of my neck, his soft, spiky hair brushing my jaw I had suddenly been overwhelmed by how much I wanted to kiss him.  
   
I pressed my lips to the back of his skull and he shivered, so I did it again.  
   
This time he looked up, a little smile on his lips.  “Benton Fraser, was that a kiss?” he asked.  
   
“I, er, yes.  Two kisses, actually.”  
   
“Two, wow.”  He looked at me, his eyes hopeful and his smile a little shy, “I like kisses.”  
   
In perfect synchronisation, he lifted his face, I lowered mine, and our lips brushed.  It was a tentative kiss, perfectly matching our hesitant, tentative courtship, but it felt wonderful.  He didn’t open his mouth and I didn’t try to gain access, just contented myself with sucking and licking his lips, delirious to be kissing him for the first time.  (The buddy-breathing incident on the Henry Allen does not in anyway count as a kiss, no matter what Ray may now say.  It was a life saving technique, the fact that I wished it were a real kiss is neither here nor there.)  
   
We kissed at his door that evening, and again the next morning in the empty break-room.  Then I had had to meet Quinn at the airport, and for a while things had moved so fast that it was barely possible to see Ray, and then when time became our own again, it was as if he no longer wished to see me.  So naturally, I was worried.  I could only think of one reason why Ray would not wish to continue our … I’m loathed to say liaison as it sounds cheap, but romance is too strong for what we had.  Not that it didn’t feel like a romance, it did, very much so.   
   
My fear was that while Ray himself obviously had no problem with entering a same-sex relationship, he might now have reservations based on how his parents would react.  That was understandable, his father hadn’t spoken to him for fifteen years merely because he became a police officer, I shuddered to think what his reaction might be to discover that his son was in love with a man.  Not that Ray had ever said love, come to think of it, but I had hoped.   
   
I had almost resigned myself to the loss of potential happiness, and was preparing myself for my inevitable slide into loneliness, when Ray looked up from his notes and asked me if I were free.   
   
“Good,” he said in response to my affirmative.  He was blushing scarlet and looking intently at a paperclip he was carefully unwinding between his fingers.  “I, er, look, sorry” he paused “Sorry I haven’t been around much these last few weeks.”   
   
I immediately began to excuse him, citing his parents as an obviously more important concern, but he cut across me.  
   
“No, I’ve been really rude, and I’m sorry.  D’you, er, d’you wanna come to something tonight?”  
   
“Come to what, Ray?” Even if the answer were bull-fighting I was going to say yes, even if he wanted me to wear my red serge and stand in the bull’s line of sight.  
   
“You know my mum’s English, right?”  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“Well, it’s November 5th today, and that’s bonfire night in England.  Don’t know if you know what that’s about?”  
   
“It’s a commemoration of Guido Forkes’ failure to blow up the Houses of Parliament.”  
   
“Yeah,” he grinned “Shoulda known you’d know.  Well, in England they make a big thing of it with fireworks, and bonfires, roast chestnuts and toffee and shit, and my mum’s really into that, we always did it every year when we were kids.”  He smiled, his eyes a little out of focus, “They’re going to do it again this year, they’ve got settled in a trailer park outside Skokie and there’s some common land behind that the owner said they could use to build a bonfire.  It should be really good, my brother’s coming with the kids, and my mum said I could bring someone” his eyes had almost managed to meet mine while he spoke, but now they dropped again, “I’d really like it if you could be there.”  
   
“Don’t…” I stopped, loathe to say anything other that yes, but this had to be said “Don’t you think your parents might mind.  Your mother probably envisioned you bringing a girlfriend.”  
   
“Nah,” he shrugged “Mum’s given up on me and girls.  Beside which, Stella might be there.”  
   
Something of how that statement hurt me must have shown on my face, because he suddenly started stammering “I didn’t mean it like that, shit,” I saw him reach to take my hand, remember where we were and pull back again “Ben,” he whispered “I don’t love her any more, I kinda thought you might know that.”  
   
I smiled, trying to look reassured, but probably failing.  “I had hoped.”  I whispered; it was my turn to speak to the desk.  
   
“What was that,” he ducked his head down next to mine, “I didn’t hear you.”  
   
“I … I said I had hoped you didn’t love her.” I said, feeling and sounding idiotic.  
   
Ray’s face morphed into a frown, and he groaned.  “Shit.” He muttered, slamming his hand down hard enough to make people look up.  “I am such an idiot.”  
   
“Ray?”  
   
“I’ve hurt you, haven’t I?”  he said, sounding as if he were asking me to shoot him quickly and get it over with.  
   
Automatically, I started to say “No…”  
   
But he cut me off again.  “I have, I’ve fucking hurt you.”  
   
“Ray.” I chided him gently for his language, but he didn’t seem to hear me.   
   
He looked at me then, directly into my eyes and I was shocked to see his light blue eyes swim with unshed tears.  “I’m sorry.”  He mumbled.  
   
“Let’s talk about this somewhere else.”  I said firmly, taking his arm and bringing us both to our feet.  He nodded, still looking miserable, but picked up his jacket and followed me out of the squad room, down the corridor and into the break room.  
   
“This ain’t exactly any more private, Frase.” He told me, smiling very slightly.   
   
No, I had to agree, it really wasn’t, but it was empty, and more importantly, the last place I had touched him in anything more than a casual, accidental way.  
   
Sitting him down at one of the tables, I crossed back to the door, pulled it shut and drew the blind down over its glass window.  It was unlikely to deter anyone bent on acquiring a cup of coffee, but it did afford us a modicum more privacy.  
   
Ray was watching me curiously when I turned around, and he didn’t look away as I crossed the room and sat down opposite him at the table.  
   
“Why have you been avoiding me, Ray?”  I asked, quietly.  
   
His expression flickered back to pained again, “I…” he ground to a halt, and I was surprised to see his eyes fill again “I’m sorry.” He repeated.  
   
“Don’t.”  I reached across the table and lay my hand lightly over his, he curled his fingers around mine, and I felt myself smile a little.  “You don’t need to apologise, I’d just like to know the reason.”   
   
“I…” he spoke to our joined hands “I got scared.” He admitted.  
   
“Of us?”  
   
“No, yeah, kinda.”  He laughed a little, ruefully.  “Everything was really good between us, I mean I know there wasn’t really an us, I know we hadn’t talked about anything, or really done anything, but I loved being with you, and how you made me feel.”   
   
“What happened?”  
   
“You got kidnapped.” He looked me in the eye “You and Quinn got yourselves kidnapped, and the guy was crazy.  I tried talking to him, but nothing I said seemed to help.  It killed me to be stuck out there while you were inside.  That’s never happened before, I’ve always been in there with you, but this time I wasn’t with you and there was nothing I could do to stop that gun going off.  When I … when I heard the gunfire I was so sure you were dead.  I thought he must have shot you and it hurt so fucking much.  That’s why I jumped on that ’bike I just had to get in there, I had to see, I had to kill him if he’d hurt you.”  
   
I started to interrupt, but he glared at me his eyes wild, so I subsided.  
   
“Then when I got there you were fine, not a scratch, and I was happy, obviously, but also really, really mad at you for scaring me, and so mad at me for letting myself get that scared.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  It was like wherever I was I was thinking about you and how close I’d come to loosing you, and how awful that had made me feel.  I got scared because if that was how I felt after us only really being together for like two weeks, how much would it hurt to loose you after two months or two years, so I tried to run away.”   
   
He looked up at me again, expression absolutely miserable, and I did the only thing that makes sense.  I got up from my seat, rounded the table and pulled him into my arms.  He went stiff, and tried to pull away from my embrace, but I held on.  “Loosing Stella hurt so much” he said fiercely “I won’t be able to survive loosing you.  Because I will, Frase, we both know I will.  You know, to begin with I was just thinking, ‘Wow, this is cool, Fraser likes guys too’, and I hadn’t really thought about it at all.  You liked guys, you seemed to like me, good enough.  But now it’s different, now I know just how deep this things goes, just how much I love you and I don’t think I’m prepared for that much pain.”  
   
“What makes you think that you’ll loose me?”  Trying to control my overwhelming joy at his unconscious declaration.  
   
“Because your you.  And I’m me.”  He answered succinctly.    
   
“And that means that our relationship won’t last?”  
   
“No, it means that you’re absolutely fan-fucking-tastic and I’m me, and sooner or later you’ll realise that I’m nothing and you’ll leave me, just like …”  His voice trailed off.  
   
“Just like Stella?”  he nodded, and I allowed myself to loose my temper a little “I am NOT Stella, Ray.” I snapped, and he looked at me, surprised.  “I am not Stella, I am not that blind or that stupid.”  When he tried to interrupt I rode over him, for once putting aside politeness for a greater goal.  “If I had you I would never let you go.  I love you.  I love you, very, very much, and I swear I will never think of you as nothing.”  
   
“You say that now …” he muttered, but there was something about his tone that told me I was getting through.  
   
“Yes, I say that now, and I will say it in ten years time, if you want I will say it every day for the rest of our lives.”  
   
He smiled, and twirled my lanyard between his fingers “Rest of our lives, eh?”  
   
“Yes, Ray.”  
   
“You wanna be my boyfriend?”  There was a definite smirk in his voice now.  
   
“Yes, Ray.”  
   
“You, er, wanna kiss me?”  
   
“Yes, Ray.”  
   
I lowered my mouth to prove it, but before I could he asked “You wanna do more than kiss me?”  
   
I felt myself turning red “Yes, Ray.”  
   
Definitely a smirk.  “You wanna come to my mum’s firework party?”  
   
“Yes, Ray.”  
   
“You wanna kiss me?”  
   
“You’ve already asked me that.” I breathed against his lips.  
   
“I know.” He pushed forward into my embrace, wrapping his arms around me and gripping my shoulders as our mouths reconnected.  
   
This kiss was as sweet and as gentle as our previous ones, but this time it was less tentative.  Ray’s lips parted against mine, and he sucked on my lower lip for a moment, before cautiously sliding his tongue into my mouth.  I shuddered as our tongues met, and flicked mine back and forth against his, welcoming him to my mouth.  He groaned and shifted a little, moving more of his weight over onto me, letting me support him, while we continued our kiss.  
   
Finally, he pulled back, face flushed, eyes alive and stunningly beautiful, “You wanna go find somewhere more private?”  he asked.  
   
“Yes, Ray.”  
   
   
The fact that we chatted as Ray drove us toward his apartment surprised me.  I felt nervous and keyed-up and excited.  I didn’t know how far we would go this afternoon, didn’t know how far I even wanted to go.  All I knew was that he and I were together, we were in love, and it filled me with such a joy and such a fear that I didn’t know if I wanted to jump out of the car and run away, or drag him out of the car and make love to him on the sidewalk.   
   
Ray assures me that he had similar feelings - though he arched his eyebrows at the idea of sex on the sidewalk - yet we both managed to hold a fairly decent conversation.  What it was about I have no idea, and I know it was made up of a lot of silliness and teasing, but it felt good that even though our relationship was changing, in some ways it wasn’t.  We were still friends, still partners, still connected, we just now had something extra.  Best friends with benefits Ray often says, which I think is a line from a song by Ms Alanis Morriset, but I won’t admit to Ray that his musical tastes ate beginning to rub off on me.  
   
*  
   
Inside his apartment was a different matter, he ushered me inside, but once over the threshold, I found I didn’t know what to do or where to go.  So I stood still, only for him to turn around from the door and bang straight into me.  He let out a startled sound, before suddenly laughing.   
   
“You lying in wait for me, Mountie?”  
   
“It would appear so.”  
   
He looked at me closely, “You okay?”  
   
Yes, Ray I started to say out of habit, but it died away “I’m a little nervous.” I said, feeling the need to crack my neck.  
   
He smiled at me, softly  “Yeah, me too.” He whispered, coming closer and softly kissing my lips.  Before I had a chance to respond, his lips left mine and moved down to my jaw.  He gently licked my jawbone, coming to rest just before my ear, where he began to kiss and suck the sensitive skin.   
   
I hissed and arched involuntarily.  I would never have made such an overtly sexual move at that time, but it turned out that the area Ray was loving was an undiscovered erogenous zone.  
   
He laughed and placed a hand on my hip, stroking me gently, soothingly.  “Love you” he whispered into my neck.  
   
I pulled back from him a little, hearing a little pop and feeling a vibration as his lips left my skin.  “I love you too” I said helplessly, resting my forehead on his and kissing his nose.  
   
Ray squirmed and muttered “Freak” but didn’t seem to mind.  
   
“Can we go to bed?”  I asked, and it really was a question, I would have understood if he’d said no or not yet.  I wasn’t overcome with lust, I could have controlled myself, I just wanted to touch him, feel his warmth, so much so that I ached.  
   
“I’d like that.” He said, and I got the feeling that he understood.  
   
Ray reached down, found my hand and led me across his apartment towards his bedroom.  Just outside the doorway, I stopped and turned to face him.   
   
“Ray, I love you.”  I said again, I had to keep saying it, I don’t know why.  
   
He grinned, “I know.  But,” he ran a hand down my chest “You’ll love me even more when you’re naked.”  
   
“I don’t think that’s possible.” I told him, but I followed him into the room, and followed his example by shedding my layers.  
   
Ray was naked in a matter of seconds, his jeans and underpants landing in a heap on one side of the bed, and his t-shirt on the other.  I took longer, but that’s only because I had more layers to shed, and it was still under two minutes before I too flung myself down onto the bed.  
   
I landed on my back and while I got my balance Ray propped himself up on one elbow and ran a hand down my side.  “Wow.” He whispered, as he carefully caressed my skin, and I felt myself blush.  
   
“Wow?” I couldn’t help asking.  
   
“You’re so beautiful.” He said, sounding awe-full and there was no hint of teasing in his voice.  
   
I wanted to say it back to him, to convince him that his slender, golden body was the much more exquisite than my bulky, pale one, but I knew that if I said it straight off the back of his comment it would loose all meaning.  Instead, I settled for pushing him down onto his back and kissing a line up and down his body.  Starting with his throat, I worked my way down, gentle, sucking kisses that wouldn’t leave a mark.  I kissed his throat, his shoulder, the dip between his clavicle, his nipples, the sweaty skin between his gracefully defined pectoral muscles, his ribs (every one), his diaphragm, his stomach, his navel, his belly, and finally lower.   
   
Ray’s breath had been growing harsher as I’d carried out my explorations, but as I brushed his penis with my lips he let out a cry, and I felt his body begin to tremble.   
   
I didn’t suck his rapidly swelling … I hate using the word cock, but Ray says penis sounds clinical, and has nothing to do with love, so I’ll try … instead I kissed it, up and down, tiny butterfly kisses, before again moving on, this time to his groin and then inner thigh.   
   
Ray was groaning by now, groaning and almost sobbing with need, but I needed this too, I needed to show him that I loved every part of his body, so I continued, kissing my way down his thighs, his knees, his calves and finally his feet.  He arched and gasped when my tongue brushed his big toe, so I experimentally sucked it into my mouth.  He bucked, and swore, so I investigated his next toe, sucking on that as well.  By the time I’d finished with the tenth, he was clearly close to his limit.  He was writhing and twisting against the sheets, his hands clasping a pillow hard.  I didn’t want to be so far way when he climaxed, I wanted to hold him, so I carefully set down his foot, and slid up his body.   
   
I reached his face and he looked at me wildly, his eyes desperate and begging.  I kissed his cheek and wrapped my arms around him, “Come for me, Ray.” I whispered, lowering my hand to gently squeeze his … cock.  
   
That did it, that was enough.  For the first time in my life I knew I had given someone absolute pleasure.  I had brought other people to orgasm before, but never had anyone’s face taken on the rapt expression that Ray’s beautiful countenance melted into as he came.  
   
He gasped and his mouth opened in a silent scream as he bucked and shook, before finally collapsing into my arms, weak and boneless.  I lay above him, just watching, just loving the way his face softened, the way his eyes flickered open, and the tiny, sleepy smile he gave me as he focused on my face.   
   
“That was …incredible.”  He whispered, lifting a hand and caressing my cheek.  
   
I kissed him again.  
   
“Honestly, Ben,” he murmured when I finally released his lips “If I’d known it would be like that I’d’ve put out from day one.”  
   
“You did.” I told him, unable to stop caressing his skin.   
   
He frowned, “I did?  Huh, you’d think I’d remember that.”  
   
I blushed “I don’t mean that we … that anything … I mean, by the end of that first day I knew I wanted to be with you.  I would probably have known it from the first moment if I hadn’t been so confused as to who you were.”  
   
He laughed again “Yeah, gotta admit you looked kind of confused.  So it was love at first sight, huh?  Why didn’t you tell me?”  
   
“How was I supposed to know that you would welcome the declaration?”  
   
“Instinct,” he said with a wink, unconsciously moving beneath me.  The shift caused his hip to brush my erection and I couldn’t hold back the gasp.   
   
His eyes darkened, and he wiggled again, seeming satisfied when I groaned.  “What d’you want, Ben?” he asked huskily.  
   
“I…” my voice failed, I couldn’t find the words, it was too embarrassing.   
   
“What?” his voice was gentle, “I’ll do anything, I promise.”  
   
“I … will … will you carry on moving?”  I asked, cringing.   
   
He didn’t speak, obviously trying not to embarrass me further, instead, he began to slowly gyrate below me, his hips brushing me again and again.   
   
I’m ashamed to admit it didn’t take much more than that, before I too was coming with such force and power that the little bit of me not focusing on the immense pleasure was worried I might not survive.   
   
I did though, luckily.  And when I finally regained consciousness, Ray was stroking my hair and whispering nonsense against my cheek.   
   
“Love you, love you, love you.”  He whispered, wriggling a little until I was lying on my back and he was on his side curled up around me.  I reached down and pulled the duvet over us, then wrapped my arms around him.  
   
“I love you too, Ray.”  
   
He sighed and settled his head on my shoulder.  
   
And that was how we fell asleep.  
   
*  
   
Personally, I would have been content to remain in bed, with Ray, for the rest of the day.  Or, failing that, the rest of our lives.  
   
Ray, however, seemed to believe I had agreed to accompany him to his mother’s Bonfire Night Festivities, so at seven o’clock that evening he and I pulled up in a trailer park in Skokie and found ourselves in the middle of what looked like a massive street party.  
   
Barbara and Damien Kowalski had only been residents at the O’Shea-Philips Mobile Home Park for a little over a week, but they appeared to have made an impression.  Ray and I were introduced to neighbour after neighbour.  After the third couple had been introduced and said how much they’d heard about us (which I took to mean Ray) I saw Ray’s eyes glaze over and made a concerted effort to remember the names of each subsequent resident, knowing Ray would rely on me to know.  
   
After that, Ray whisked me around and introduced me to what seemed like an incredible number of relatives.  Of course, as my total number of relations was, at the time, one (my Uncle Tiberius’ daughter Cabbage) Ray’s parents seemed like a big family.  
   
We were just finishing our chat with Ray’s great-aunt Olga (a delightful old lady with a repertoire of embarrassing, Ray-related stories) when a large, white people-carrier swept round the corner, horn-blazing.   
   
“Marl!”  Ray’s eyes lit up and he grabbed my arm, dragging me through the crowds, to where the people-carrier was parked.  His parents were already there and were laughing and greeting a couple in their early-forties and two young children – a girl and a boy.  
   
“What the hell kinda car is that?”  Ray called, striding forward, still gripping my arm.   
   
The man looked up and grinned.  Gently pulling away from his mother, he advanced on Ray and hugged him hard.  “We can’t all have flashy muscle-cars, bro.  Some of us have responsibilities.”  
   
“Hah!”  Ray laughed, “Excuses…”  
   
Marlon Kowalski was a little shorter and quite a bit broader than his younger brother, but they were otherwise very similar.  They had the same dusty blond hair (though Marlon’s was a lot more conventional) and pale, blue-grey eyes.  His smile was delighted and obviously genuine as he bantered with Ray, making me like him instantly.  
   
Finally, they separated and Marlon’s eyes swept over me, a question clearly visible.   
   
“This,” Ray said, again pulling me forwards “Is Constable Ben Fraser, my partner.  Ben this is my brother, Marlon.”  
   
Marlon’s eyes widened as he took me in, and something about the way he sized me up suggested that he was one of the few members of the Kowalski family who knew even then that Ray was not exclusively heterosexual.  
   
“Nice to meet you, Constable.”  Marlon said, offering his hand.   
   
We shook and Ray beamed at us both, looking perfectly content for one of the few times I had seen.   
   
“Uncle Ray is this the man with the doggie?”  Asked a voice suddenly, seemingly out of no where.   
   
Ray laughed and dropped onto his knees beside a little boy who couldn’t be more that seven.  
   
“Sure is,” he affirmed.  “The doggie’s really a wolf, though.”  
   
“Where is he?”  The boy asked, looking round.  
   
“He …” Ray cut himself short, “Field this one, Ben.” He said smiling up at me.   
   
I crouched down beside him, pleased to note that while he might have an inch or so on me when we were standing, at this level I was the taller, Ray carrying much of his height in his legs.  “This is Toby,” he added.  
   
“I had to leave my wolf at home,” I told Toby seriously, “Animals are afraid of fireworks.”  
   
He nodded, “Annie’s ‘fraid of them, too.”  
   
A shriek came from over near Marlon and suddenly a very cross little girl of about nine stomped over and smacked her brother on the head.  “I am not.”  She said stomping her booted foot.   
   
“Hey!”  Ray exclaimed, putting an arm round Toby “No hitting.  Toby was only kidding, weren’t you, hon?”  
   
Toby nodded, his eyes glowing with tears of surprise.  “Only a joke.” He muttered.   
   
His sister ignored him, but suddenly seemed to notice me.  “Hello.” She said, holding out her hand, palm downward “I’m Annabel Samantha Kowalski.”  
   
“Pleased to meet you.”  I told her seriously, taking the offered hand, and raising it to the general vicinity of my lips.   
   
Annabel blushed and giggled.  Ray simply laughed outright.  “Where’d these manners come from, little one?”  He asked putting an arm around her to match the one around Toby.  
   
“I’m going to be a lady, like Auntie Stella.”  She told him proundly.  
   
Both myself and Marlon – who had been hovering near, observing us with amusement – shot worried looks at Ray, but he seemed to take Annabel’s pronouncement in his stride.  “Good for you, kid.”  He said quietly, “Don’t turn too much into Aunt Stella though please, I still wanna be allowed to give you hugs.”  
   
*  
   
Now that the whole family - and most of the residents of Skokie - were assembled, Barbara Kowalski called us all to attention and told two of the neighbourhood boys to begin the firework display. To be honest, no firework is a patch on the Aurora Borealis (a fact Barbara herself since admitted once Ray and I had taken her to see it) but this display was very good for what it was.  Rockets have always been my favourite, and there were plenty of those, there were also Catherine-wheels, squibs, sparklers and jumping jacks.  Rather than one long display, there was a series of smaller ones with time to collect toffee, baked potatoes, roast chestnuts and hot chocolate in the intervals.  
   
By ten pm, many of the assembled guests had retreated inside various mobile homes to avoid the cold, but Ray and I were still standing outside watching the coloured lights, and munching toffee.   
   
“Gladyoucame?”  Ray asked around his glued together jaw.  
   
I laughed.  “Very.” I answered, carefully moving my own piece of toffee to the side of my mouth before I spoke.  “Your brother seems very nice.”  
   
Ray grinned, “Marl’s fantastic.” He said.  His smile faltered a little and his eyes turned sad “That woman who’s with him, she’s not Annie and Toby’s mum.”  
   
“No?”  
   
“No, their mum was Emily.  Marl, Emily, Stella and I used to hang out together when we were kids.  Marl and I both married our childhood sweethearts, but while Stella divorced me, Emily had two kids and then died.”  Tears filled his eyes, and I moved closer beside him, I wasn’t sure how much could be seen from the mobile homes and we were in shadow but I didn’t want to embarrass Ray.   
   
Ray however seemed to have no qualms.  He leaned against me until I put an arm around his shoulders.  “The kids were so little,” he said quietly.  “She barely knew Toby at all.  She was sick when he was born and she just never got better.  Marl was so strong, though.  It broke his heart, but he had to look out for the kids.  He wanted to get them through it and he did.  He … I’ve never known anyone that strong, Ben.”  
   
I squeezed him, “I have.” I said gently.   
   
He smiled at me, and we watched a brace of gold, silver and blue rockets light the air.  
   
“He knows about us.”  Ray said eventually.  
   
“Yes, I gathered.” I admitted, “He knows you’re bisexual?”  
   
“He’s known longer than I have.”  Ray laughed.  “He was the one who told me.”  
   
“How do you mean?”  
   
“It was when we were teenagers.”  He explained,  “We were having some stupid row about something, I called him some name and he shot back with ‘Well, at least I’m not queer.’”  He laughed again, “Aren’t teenager’s great?  Anyhow, that stumped me.  Guess he won that row.  I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said.  I’d just never thought that I might be queer.  I’d always felt not totally at home in my body, like I was missing something, but I’d never worked out what.  Suddenly, it hit me; I liked guys.  And everything started to make sense.  I worked out why I got hard watching Bullitt when Jacqueline Bisset wasn’t even on screen.  Why David Bowie was the coolest man on earth and why with Stella I always felt I needed something more.”  
   
“He didn’t mind?”  
   
“Hell no, Marl’s no prude.  He and Emily were the only ones who knew, so he’s the only one I can talk to about things.  I think …” He stepped even closer if that were possible “I think he likes you, he said you seemed liked a good guy.”  
   
I felt myself blush and couldn’t think of anything to say.  Ray just laughed at me, and leaning forward he pressed a kiss onto the corner of my mouth.  
   
“Ray!”  I gasped urgently, “People will see.”  
   
“So?”  Cocky smile.  “You ashamed of me, Benton?”  
   
“No!”  This time the gasp was horrified, “No, of course not.  Just, you’re parents, Ray.  Surely you don’t want them to see?”  
   
He shrugged.  “It’d save the trouble of having to tell ‘em.”  
   
“Do you mean to tell them?”  
   
“Do you mean to spend the rest of your life with me?”  He countered.  
   
I felt my throat close around a lump.  “Yes, please.”  I whispered.  
   
“Then I’m thinkin’ I’m gonna have to tell ‘em.”  
   
“Aren’t you worried how they will react?”  
   
“I was,” A new firework had been lit and blue stars were exploding out of a cloud of blue smoke, but I was no longer interested.  Ray’s eyes as he stood in front of me were all the light I needed to see.  “I was,” he repeated.  “I couldn’t just tell ‘em that I liked boys abs … ab … abstrict…”  
   
“Abstractly?”  
   
“Yeah, that I liked boys in the abstract, you know?  What would have been the point?  Hey, mum, dad, guess what.  I can get it up for guys too.  There was just no need.  As long as I settled with a girl in the end they didn’t need to know what I got up to in the in between.  But, now it kind of does matter, cos I wanna settle with you, so I’m going to have to tell them.  And see, even if they freak out completely and never speak to me again, it won’t be the end of my life.  I mean, I’ll be upset, sure, but I’ll still have you, so that’s what matters.”  
   
Against my better judgement, I put my hands on his waist under his coat.  “You’ll always have me,” I told him softly, brushing my lips over his.   
   
He smiled happily, wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed his face into my shoulder.  I pulled him close and we stood there until the last firework had scattered its light and heat into the atmosphere.   
   
Ray stirred a little in my arms, but didn’t pull back.  The boys running the display were clearing up as many spent fireworks and rocket sticks as they could find in the dark, and apart from them we were the only ones left outside.  Ray seemed in no hurry to go inside though, so why should I be?  
   
In the end, it was the vibration of Ray’s cell phone that pulled us apart.  He squeaked, and hunted through his pockets until he pulled it out.  He checked the caller display and grinned, “It’s Marl,” Then, pressing a button, he pushed it up to his ear, “Hey?”  
   
Ray listened for a little while then laughed, and covered the mouthpiece to tell me, “Marl says have we noticed the fireworks’ve stopped?”  
   
I laughed, then leaning in close to his other ear I whispered “Around you the fireworks never stop.”  
   
He choked, said a few more words to his brother, then hung up.  “Oy!” he muttered, slapping me gently on the arm, “No making suggestive remarks when I’m talking to my big brother.”  
   
I tried to look innocent, “I merely meant that your electric personality often caused sparks, which some could mistake for fireworks.”  
   
He believed me for about three seconds, then slapped me again.  “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.  And the pope’s a protestant.  Now, Marl says he’ll give us a lift back, if we wanna go now.”  
   
“Do we?”  
   
“Yeah, I think the mum and dad talk should maybe come tomorrow, I don’t wanna spoil mum’s bonfire night.  But,” he gripped my hand, “I promise I will have that talk with them.”  
   
“You don’t need to promise me,” I told him honestly, “I know.”  
   
“Love you,” he said, kissing my lips softly, then he took my hand and led me back toward his parents’ trailer.  “Come on, Ben” he said happily “Let’s get home and see if we can’t maybe make a few more fireworks.”  
   
The End


End file.
